Today, Yesterday and the Day Before Yesterday

I had been feeling like Kevin in The Wonder Years since last Sunday. Many things come to mind, and though I've had moments like this few times before, these last days shake me in a far greater magnitude. I've been thinking about how cruel I am as a son to my two endlessly loving parents. Before heading on to the next thing I've been thinking about, let just stop for a while on this point. Hard for me to describe, but my capability of loving each other (especially my parents), may sometimes be limited by the invisible barrier I made for myself. Feels a lil bit sinful for me to say, but I can only love them with my thoughts. I mean, I say to myself I love them. When I'm sober, I think about them. On rainy afternoons, while sipping a warm thick Milo (like I've always been trying to do while I could), I think about ways (sometimes crazy fantasies) on how to really make them proud at sometimes. My mind wandered all around the globe, imagining scenes of me taking my dad for a holiday to Lake Ontario or maybe to the remnants of Scotland's glorious castles (as he always mentioned Brits and Canada as his 2 dream destination). Or maybe imagining scenes of me getting my mum a Volkswagen Beetle (as I found her gazing uncontrollably at a passing VW Beetle several times in my lifetime as if it is her dream car). Those wild fantasies, those things that are so far away beyond my reach. Hopes which aren't likely to be realized anytime soon. I thought that's what love is about (I'm not saying 'all about'). I thought, just by thinking that I love them, my love for them is somehow filled (I'm not saying 'fulfilled'). Well, it won't be a perfect love, but It will do for now (or so I thought).

I just had a conflict on Monday evening. And I'm always amazed by how God really opens my eyes, not just for this time, but also for few past moments. One thing that's tingling me this time is about love. My inability to love someone (i'm using my Dad's word here) with such a discipline. Sounds daunting for me at first. Sounds tedious. Discipline. Would it be a hard thing to do? For me, it is! It took a while for me to figure things up, to stick to my mind an idea that I've always been doing all things for me all this time. Serving others isn't really my skill. The word 'me' keeps on coming back. What if I? Why would I.......? How could I...........? Won't I be.......? I. Me. Myself. Destruction.

And so I've just found another name for 'loving with discipline'. It's call 'loving spontaneously'. My dad said that a person who needs to think about how to show his/her love is such a pathetic person. Well, yeah... I thought that maybe just by doing spontaneous action of showing love to others, love really is fulfilled. And so I tried to do so. It's not that I want others to know good deeds I did, but I feel like I have to write those down. So, here it goes...
First, early in the morning, I washed my dad&mum's motorcycle. Although later on the morning freeze made me rather sick, but hey, at least i did something.
Second, I dumped my book this morning at school, try not to learn anymore (like I always do every time a big test comes) and try to help few of my friends studying about today's chemistry test. I ended up getting a nerve-racking test since I forgot some of the theories and forgetting two fundamental formulas for me to do the test.
Third, on a trip to buy a ginger beverage to treat my rather sick stomach, i bought few Pukis and Cucur, sold by the street vendor near the Indomaret where I eventually bought the beverage

Stepping me aside. Anything I do (even for the sake of myself) should've been destined for others. 'Me' have welcome others around me, others who I love, and let them go inside my warmth. I said earlier that I do love my parents, but then, if they don't feel that, it's a problem. My dad said to me (several times actually) that love isn't only the matter of words nor it's about thoughts. It's about the action.